Ahh, hate. Nice subject. Not written about that in a long time. So I guess it’s time again, ain’t it? I sort of miss the days where I had a vent for hate. Especially the self hate part of it all. But I can’t exactly follow through on my earlier methods currently, can I? It’s way easier when one can let hate out. It’s quite bad, when that feeling is gnawing and slowly eating you. I hate myself for a few things that happened today. I had a very … clear demand towards myself, which I … disregarded at a certain point.

I didn’t exactly write my last couple blogs out of boredom. The same way I didn’t demand from my brain to start thinking on that specific topic out of boredom, but rather necessity. I am rather certain, I’m doing something I can’t exactly get to overlap with my conscience. And I feel like I sort of forced a situation tonight. And that makes me feel crappy.

I learned a couple things, which I sort of thought where the case, but now I have proof. This makes my actions even more despicable. I sort of knew what I was getting into. But I don’t really want to be where I am, and I have no real idea how to deal with the situation.

I prolly should have mentioned a few things on my todo list earlier. Or rather … at all. They’ve been on there for quite some time, and I never really dared starting the conversation. I know, that tonight wasn’t the right time, for a zillion reasons. Not sure I’ll have the guts next time I have a chance. And I’m not so sure we’ll (ever?) make any headway. Ah crap, never mind …

Well … I’m still awake, and got to make a call in about 40 Minutes. I promised as much, and I will keep my promise, that’s just the way I am. I’m rather curious about the reactions I’ll get. *wicked grin*

Then … I came across a quote while watching DVD:

There are two kinds of people in the world. The ones who go after what they want and everybody else.

Well … yeah, that’s right, but I guess the question is: What price is one willing to pay for doing that?
And I know … there’s a few prices I ain’t ready to pay, ever. What does that make me? “Everybody else”? Honorable? Stupid? Pitiful? I don’t know. And I guess I’ll never know, cuz I can’t exactly make a savegame of my life now, try one path and go back to compare it to the other possible course of action, now can I?

Awfully deep thoughts for when one has been awake roughly 12 hours and has at least another 11 to go, and very likely far more than that.

I’ll head off to take a shower now, then get ready for work, and … head out. Which means I’ll be making my call from on-the-go, but … not the first time, right? I’d prefer letting you sleep another hour, but I did promise…

Hope everyone is sleeping well. Cya all … soon.