Crap is something I’m getting quite acquainted with lately. In a multitude of ways. Specifically I feel like it – a lot – lately.

Not something a person likes to acknowledge readily. But … I think being candid is helpful, sometimes. Why is it then, that I have such difficulties with that, when talking to other people. I mean … I obviously have little problems letting the world know what a loser I am turning in to, but I have problems speaking freely and openly with people who are important to me.

Tonight … I made a mistake, again, the same one. I am sorry, even though I’m rather certain you have no idea what exactly I am talking about. I’m involuntarily doing something I detest. It just happens, and I only realize it after the fact. I hate that.

My body is – once again – deteriorating rather badly. I have not voluntarily bled in a long time, which I guess is good,¹ but other stuff is just not working out properly. If this cycle turns out to be like the previous ones, I’ll keep living with this for another few weeks, and then make some sort of drastic change. We’ll see.
I wanted to hurt myself today, really badly. Not bleed, but hurt. But … I managed to restrain myself (unfortunately?).
I have very serious trouble understanding a few thing (relating to more than one person) that are happening around me. I don’t like that. I like to understand what’s going on and preferably why. I know this ain’t possible always, but still…

I’m getting comments and opinions which confuse me. I don’t like to be confused.

My mind is constantly wandering … I can’t even get a bloody blog entry into a coherent piece of “work”.

I should be fast asleep by now, but I can’t sleep yet. instead I’m doing stuff I know is bad, and somewhat harmful. You’ll be awakened in an hour, and it won’t be by me. I don’t think I have the right to decide to call you then, should I be up, so I’m not gonna.

I will now return to my DVD, and then – eventually – go to sleep. I hope you are all okay and good.