Oh God, I love this series. There’s barely a single episode which doesn’t have a deep, and insightful saying in it.

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair.
Then I thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be much worse if life were fair? And all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?’
So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.¹

I do not subscribe to all of that statement, but it carries a serious amount of truth. I still think it’s awful how the universe treats people, who I consider to be good people.

My weekend was about as “good” as could be expected. Foremost it was lonely and frustrating. I had to work my second shift (ever) alone. Well, not completely alone, I had support in the background, but it was only me on site, and the ball basically stopped with me. I don’t feel qualified for those kinds of decisions, yet. Nothing major transpired, but I’m still unhappy with some of my decisions, my behavior and my lack of comprehension for certain situations. I’m a worker, not a manager.
And I seriously missed talking to you. I … sort of need your voice. I’m quite sure this is … not a good thing, but it is a fact. One I can not easily discount.

For gods sake, why don’t people believe it, when other people give them compliments. You do not look fat in that picture! Yes, it doesn’t show very much, but your legs do not look fat! FFS, you are the one really bright light in my life, why should I lie to you? Don’t make me fight you, okay?

I was … invited to a birthday party. I’m extremely unsure if I should go², because of two people who are likely to be present. One I’m afraid to meet, because I’m afraid of the potential repercussions. The other … I’m quite disappointed with. And I’m quite sure I’ll not be able to control whatever emotions I might have during my stay. Yeah, I’d very much love being there to celebrate that birthday, but also I’d like the chance to … talk face-to-face, but I don’t think that’s a mutual desire. Especially since I’m very convinced that no clarification or solution would be found (read: findable). But then again … even if we can not find any solution, at least I’d have had a chance to talk it over instead of the current situation where basically nothing has been talked about. I guess, the other two participants in this little … thing … don’t share my need for a well-defined resolution, which would mean them being hurt for my being content. This … collides rather strongly with my personal ethical beliefs. Therefore I prolly will deny myself a chance to clear this up, even if I’d be offered one.

Once again I’m smoking too much. I’m artificially creating stress for myself. On some level I know that it’s me creating it, but I still can’t help it, I can’t forestall it. That’s an aspect of my personality I’d just as soon do without. But I don’t know of a way to make that happen, short of a lobotomy. Maybe a therapy could help in that regard, but I’m unsure what else that might change, and therefore I am afraid of it. Yeah, a therapy has helped me in the past, but still … I have changed, my personality has changed. Some core beliefs have strengthened. There’s a lot of times when I think that my personality is simply incompatible with life or society.

When one considers this last bit, is it so wrong that I have an underlying (= not predominant) desire to leave this life and this society? The majority of what is happening in this world today defies common sense, and ultimately will hurt the society that so many have worked so hard to create. And what is humanity without a society which at least tries to be fair and just to all?
I am quite aware of the fact that it’s impossible to create a “fair and just” society. There’s too many humans who ignore society for their personal gain. I see that every day at work, lately even with close friends.
Any society (or even just a group of people!) has a necessity to look after itself. And lately a lot of people are forced to decide between their own well-being and societies well-being. I can understand why individuals decide to side with whatever furthers their own well-being, but I also know that those people are harming society at the same time.
I know, what I demand of myself, and I’m quite certain the majority of people will never agree with me, but shouldn’t society – as a whole – come first? Mankind should be furthered, we should work towards a unified humanity, not a fragmented one. But … that is usually contrary to personal gain, which makes it unattractive to 99% of humanity.
But 99,9% of mankind are not ready to accept personal sacrifices to further the good of all of mankind. Pity, but it only shows how much we all are willing to destroy us all if only we can gain a temporary advantage for ourselves!

I positively hate society lately. But I am only one tiny voice in it all. But it is my choice to decide what sort of people I want in my life, in my inner circle, which people I trust, which people I consider reliable. Yeah, I am certain a bunch of people will feel – rightfully – excluded, but … it was not my decision that you folks … disregarded … what I feel to be right. And it’s bloody well my decision who I invite or trust into my “inner circle”. If you’re not in, (or have been expelled) live with it, or bloody well change something or loose the right to bitch! If you like me, you should at least consider my opinions and thoughts!

I am more pissed-off than anything after writing this blog.
A majority of it has been acoustically accompanied by an Australian (!!!) ambient-artist. I hope you – sort of – grasp the meaning of this. Miss you like hell!

(Anyone who finds any typos can bloody well keep em! )