Going to bed now, well … soon. Gotta write something first though, don’t I? It’s not only the expectancy of my “audience”, but mostly a few rather … tenacious thoughts and ideas.

I am bloody worried for a very close friend. I had a feeling a fight was about to happen, but I didn’t think it’d happen right now. I hope my impression was right, and you are okay. I’d rather have you being good or very good, but I’ll settle for okay.
That last SMS was worrisome. I’m not sure what I should make of it. Is that reconciliation, or just enduring? I tried to drop subtle hints, and I think you got them. Kudos for that! This is a crappy situation, and I hope I didn’t cause any of the problems! I guess, I’ll have to wait and see, when I’ll get an update on what actually happened.

I re-started season nine of ER today. And the few episodes I watched did carry a few nice quotes. Here’s one I’d like to share.

I know most people don’t like me. I don’t care. I don’t like most people.

Said by one of the most obnoxious characters in this series (at least up to this point). But it holds a great deal of truth in my life. There is a serious discrepancy between who I like and who likes me in my life. I speak my mind¹ and I know I piss off a great many people by doing so. But others like me for that. Aye, there’s times when I don’t speak my mind fully, but no one seems to care, really. I guess you all know the feeling, when you don’t say everything you have on your mind, out of consideration for others feelings? I know I don’t always behave likewise, but I ask all of you to please speak your mind, even if you think it will hurt me!

Another subject covered in the last episode I watched is “giving up life”. Not necessarily suicide, but the general thought of “Why fight further?” I am, myself, a scuba-diver and I do have certain suicidal tendencies. Within that particular community there’s basically two ways of leaving … Suffocation and CO poisoning. I guess I’m too much of a sissy to achieve the former, and the latter is extremely difficult to achieve. So, even though I consider myself to be a member of this community I just can’t see myself achieving any of their methods.

Right now I do not have any such thoughts. At least not immediately. I guess I won’t ever be able to get rid of an underlying hope or wish. There’s been times in my life when such thoughts never surfaced. They remained hidden, in the background. I’m not exactly sure if I should call them good times. I personally reckon any human being, no mater it’s age², should consider the prospect of dieing. Not as a choice, but a possibility. It just makes certain choices in life … clearer and thus easier.

Also related to that last episode I am quite grateful that my Sis can’t really embarrass me with stories from my past. I guess, there’s a few, but mostly I tell them myself. So I beat you to the punch.

I hope you understood the allusion in my last SMS. Not sure you’ll follow or need it, but I hope you understood it. I was deliberately cryptic, in the hopes of sparing you trouble and still getting something across.

We are slowly closing in on something related to what used to be. I deliberately let you chose the pace. I don’t want to burden you or get on your nerves. Contact and friendship-declaration is up to you. This is nothing backhanded, but my decision to leave it up to you. I hope you understand how I mean this. I won’t pressure you into anything, but wait, what you want. I understand your (past) decisions, honestly (and now I’m curious about the present ones). That’s why I leave it up to you, okay?

I’m gonna go to bed now. I know what’s gonna be on my mind when I fall asleep. I hate the fact that it only happens in my mind.