I appologize ahead of time. This blog will likely be very confusing. Thoughts are passing within my brain at something appearing to be more than light speed. And it’s bloody hard to grasp them.

Well, physics says “more than light speed” is impossible, but I got my doubts. Of course I am not qualified to assess this particular constraint in detail, but I can still have my opinion, can’t I.

Today was a crappy and confusing day. Work … wasn’t too bad, but there where far too many problems I couldn’t handle. I felt stupid and … ultimately lazy, because I passed them on to my colleague. I didn’t learn squat today, which pisses me off. Sure, I could deal with some of them, and I guess I made no serious mistakes, but still … I’d rather be able to handle them all. I at least want the proficiency to be able to do that!

I’m having trouble with some of my scars. I don’t really know why. I can’t think of any medical reason why that should be so, but I am faced with the facts. There’s really nothing that can be done about this, so there’s no sense in bothering a doc. I know what is, and I know it can’t be helped.

This brought me to another realization. Even if I should ever chose to follow this path, there’s a very good chance I wouldn’t even succeed in the … horizontal trade¹ . Except maybe in the freak-variety. But who’s gonna want that? Even if I was to ever follow that path … I’d not like whatever customers I might find. I got an illness, with all the signs to prove it, and I am bloody well not proud of it. But I adjusted. Whoever is physically interested in me because of that doesn’t deserve my attention.

Todays … communication² was … awkward too. I feel like a secret lover sometimes. I guess this emotion is somewhat correct, but still. I do not want to be a person who has to be talked to in secret. I guess it happened during a shower-break? I’d so much rather talk to you whenever any one of us felt like it. I hate this hiding, I gotta be honest. But I understand why it happens. I’m not happy about that, but I know I have to “protect” you.

There’s three people I sorely miss in my life, with differing priorities.
One is a friend, who I thought to be lost. I couldn’t really understand what you feel from how you behaved, and I still think your mother cares more about me than you.
Another I had lost, and I am maybe in the process of re-gaining an important friendship. I don’t know. I can only … sit back and wait. What happens is not my decision, but yours. I understand – what I think to be – your position, and I respect it!
The third and last one … has been “gone” for a few days. I know why, and I understand why, but I don’t have to like those reasons. I was bloody scared for you, and I still don’t know if I can stop being scared. I hope I can resolve those fears, and the associated thoughts, within the next 24 hours. There was a reason behind a certain text message. Yes, it was … hidden … – once again – but that doesn’t mean it’s less important, or true.

I seriously don’t like the way my life – and me – are developing currently. I have quite a few problems not relating to specific persons. And I don’t really have a plan on how to deal with them. I know I must, but I don’t know how. I have some ideas, but any one of those means I need outside help. And I am unsure I can get that. I am extremely reluctant to face people with a “help-me-or-see-me-fail” proposition. Especially since I love the only people who could possibly and immediately help me.
I can’t get out of this on my own. And the help I’d need is far more than I could possibly ask of any friend. It has to be family. And even then it’s a bloody lot to ask.

It took a lot to write this blog. A lot of things I wrote … I’d not usually share, voluntarily. I guess, none of my readers will be able to understand all of what I wrote. Some might inquire, and maybe get a more complete picture. I will be reluctant to share some of this, so please don’t be offended if I do not answer your questions. It has nothing to do with you, personally, but rather my reluctance to face my own life.

I’ll go to sleep now. Maybe another hot shower, but I doubt it. I miss you, like crazy, but I know it had to be this way.

Y’all take care, okay?

PS: This entry was written with a lot of … chemical … “help”. I hope I didn’t offend any readers. I never meant to hurt or insult any of you. But these are some thoughts and opinions I had to get off my chest. For my own benefit. If you feel insulted, please leave a comment, or contact me directly!!

PPS: CM Du solltest mehr schlafen.