Aficionados might recognize the title, I guess very few others will. What I dreaded has begun. I’m not sure I can deal with it, even though I know it’s temporary. But more on that later.

Today was full with wonders, but far from wonderful¹.

I seriously hadn’t expected that one call, and even though it was comparably short, and we both where sort of out of it, it was very nice. And that’s almost all that was nice today.

I slept badly. I guess I got enough hours in, but the quality of my sleep sucked. I have an inkling as to why that might be so … actually … it’s two.

Work was … basically boring. Yeah, we had fun, made fun, but basically one² on duty would have sufficed.

I spent some time at the main train station in Frankfurt, because I was waiting for someone. While I was sitting there and did some people-watching, a woman passed by outside. I immediately thought that she looked familiar.
Way back when, when I was a freshly accredited first-aid instructor there was a couple in one of my courses. They lived in a city neighboring mine. They gave me a lift home. But that’s not why I remember them. They had brought their kids to the course. She had some progressive nervous disorder. I was surprised that she even attempted to complete the course. I guess, had the rules been different, I’d have been forced to fail her. Not because she didn’t grasp what was happening, but because she simply was incapable of doing the necessary things. I spent a good deal of extra-time explaining things to her, showing her. I stayed behind after the class was finished for the day, to go over things with more time.
This must have been 8 years ago or so. Back then her prognosis was roughly 3-4 years. Well, she passed right outside the window I was sitting at today. On her own, without help. It was visible she was sick, but she was alive, and walking. I think that’s great! It actually made me smile with satisfaction and happiness³.

The meeting was very nice. The first person from StudiVZ I ever met, who I hadn’t known before. It was way to short and hurried to actually do any serious amount of talking. I guess that’d been very interesting.

And now … for something completely different:

You didn’t sound purely stressed today. You sounded worried and maybe even angry. Maybe I misjudged, I don’t know, but that was my impression. I still can’t shake the feeling that I had something to do with that, though. I sorely hope that impression is wrong! But at the same time I don’t think you’d tell me even if my impression was right.

I’d love to still be awake at midnight, but that’s impossible, and I still have very mixed feelings about calling you tomorrow, and … the day after. I’m afraid of what effect that might have at your end. Yeah, you said it’s okay, but … I don’t know … I’m worried. Might it be, that you’re actually hoping for those effects?

I’m trying to resolve a number of conflicts of interest and conflicting emotions. It’s not like I’m not used to that, and I’ve been doing that for weeks now, with these same emotions and thoughts. I must resolve these things, and what I dreaded might actually help in doing so. But I feel crappy for a number of reasons.

Why must I always put a positive spin on things that hurt me, for the sake of others? I can’t help myself, but there are times when I think I might actually be taking some of my ethics too far. This reminds me of the discussions with Dr. Herth, back in school. He held the position that what I advocated was impossible. I argued against that by saying that – with very few basic “rules” – it was. I still think it is, but I’m breaking those rules⁴, slowly. Am I trying to contradict myself? If so, why?

The more E.R. I watch … the more I have a certain urge. I think, if certain things happen … I will actually follow that urge. There’s two things that could happen over which I have no control. That’s something that scares me. But … I’ll take them as signs from fate if and when they happen. There’s two other things that could mitigate the decision I made. I’ll just have to wait and see. Wait and weigh the facts, when the time comes.
I have a certain hope for how that particular episode should end. I know it’d … hurt and possibly disappoint … a number of people, but I think the good it could do outweighs that. Not for my sake, even though I’d get a few good things out of it myself. But those are negligable, all things considered.

I’m feeling quite morbid right now. It’s not a strange feeling, but one I’m not that used to, anymore(?). It’s way to early for me to be having a midlife-crisis, but I’m having some of the related “symptoms”. No *grin* I’m not buying a sports-car or searching for a younger partner or considering extreme-sports. Okay … I must admit, I’ve put some thought into certain extreme-sports … but they ain’t serious enough to count⁵. I guess my current … drive to … re-evaluate some of my previous decisions and actions would count though. I’m often second-guessing myself way to often, lately.

I put out an offer today, and I am pretty certain I won’t be taken up on it, even if it’d be helpful. I know what effect that’s gonna have on me, but I can’t force anyone to do anything, even though I sometimes wish I could. All I can do is offer and wait if I’m taken up on the offer. I’ll just have to adjust to whatever happens.

last.fm shuffled a track in there I could have bloody well done without, but I don’t have the will to fast-forward it. A select few of my readers will likely be able to identify it immediately. It has no message!

I’ll watch another episode (, maybe take an unhealthily hot shower) and then turn in. Work tomorrow. I’d have preferred something else to send me off to into dream-land, but that’s not possible.

P.S.: I’m still working on getting those documentaries into a downloadable format. Sorry for the delay, I haven’t forgotten, I’m just technically challenged on this one.