Yes, this is not a quote from anywhere (I know). It’s just sort of fitting. Today was my last day of work for this year. It was quite … event less, once again. Boring wouldn’t quite cut it, since I got some stuff done.

You sounded very happy. I think that’s good. I also think it shows a certain path? I honestly hope you’ll have a great time. I guess I’ll receive some form of update at midnight tomorrow. The last one for a way too long time. Just have a great time and be happy, please.

What’s happening right now hurts. I know this hurt is not intentional, but it happens nonetheless, unfortunately. I think, I can deal with it.

I had a rather “wicked” thought about what I would say when we speak next … but then reason kicked in, and I figured it’d do way more hurt than it’d be positive. That’s why I decided to keep my bloody mouth shut. I just hope … I can hold up to that decision when the time comes.
Eventually I have to say it, but … that time is somewhere in the more-or-less distant future, and definitely not in the next few days.

I had a – very enjoyable – conversation with a friend today. I would have said “very good friend” only a few weeks before, but right now I don’t know … I don’t know what the reciprocal definition might be. I think there is something that bonds us beyond any conscious thought or emotion. But at the same time I know that this “thing” is rather amorphous. It’s gonna ebb and flow, forever. I just hope it’ll be there whenever one of us needs it. And I also hope you have the strength to use it. We both know it’s good, but we also know it’s difficult. Right now I know I will not use it, out of consideration. I’m unsure what your thoughts on this issue are, therefore I’m gonna err on the “safe” side.

Just now (18:19) I received an SMS … I’m crying … I was unsuccessful in … fighting back the tears. My reply was sincere. I hate to admit it, but … I simply can’t make that happen right now. Not under the current circumstances. I hope you believe – make that know – I want to do that – no matter the price – make you happy, calm you! I don’t bloody care what it takes. If I have to confront T and knock some sense into him, I’ll do it!

Whenever I re-read that one SMS – even though it was quite short – tears start, again. I guess I should not read it … for a while.

I hate the fact that a human doesn’t really have control over his or her emotions. There’s a fucktonne of emotions I could do without. I know I have to deal with them, but … it’d be so much easier if one could control them, somehow. Yes, there’s ways of dealing¹ with “unwanted feelings” and … I am pursuing one, right now. I know I am cheating myself, but … I need this to stop (for now)! If some – rather inconsequential (!!!) – things changed I could prolly deal with it better.

I’m surprised no-one confronted me about what I said two entries back. All of the people capable of it read my blog, and I wasn’t … approached about the song. I’m not blaming anyone just expressing my surprise.

I’m now gonna continue on the DMS-Track. I’ve not completed the S part of that, and realize that – grammatically speaking – the DM part doesn’t make any sense on it’s own. But I “must”  finish the S part, for my own sake. I am so bloody sorry … I just can’t do anything else … today. I know you don’t like it. Actually I think you hate it. It’s part of my resolutions, and likely also of yours.

G’Night @ all, who care!