Actually I don’t really want to write anything, yet. But somehow I can’t keep myself from doing it anyway.

My feelings are all over the place at the moment. Anger, fear, sadness, worries, desperation. Well, I guess not all over the place. But all over half the place.

Not sure if that is a normal thing for others, but right now, most of my friends make me worry. Not for me, but them. I’ve rarely worried about myself, and … I don’t hope that’ll change. In most of these cases I lack direct input and feedback. But the symptoms and patterns of behavior give me cause to worry. Problem is, that I know it’d be impossible to … address all these worries at the same time, but I refuse to prioritize my friends. And … this has the “great” effect that nothing is addressed.

In some cases it’s about the emotional and psychological well-being of people. In others it’s about the biological and physical well-being. In others about all four. My main problem is, that I have some ideas how I might be able to help, but I have no idea if I really should or … if those people would even accept any form of help.

While formulating and re-reading the last paragraph a certain blog entry by a friend popped into my mind. The basic message was that you thought humans seem to be generally self-destructive. They can’t really be happy. I still very clearly remember the day you wrote that entry. You’d just gotten home from a rock-concert, and … first you wrote that one and backdated it. Then you wrote another entry, which directly and personally addressed me.¹

Yesterday I broke into tears at work. Then … I nearly broke into tears at home. Today I was nearly crying at work and cried more than once at home. I’ve never been ashamed to weep, but this is rather … a lot, even for me. I’m seeing so many things going horribly wrong at the same time. It’s sensory overload. You have no idea where to look first. It’s like a gigantic firework all over the sky and you never know which part of it is gonna “explode” next, so your eyes keep darting all over and you never really see anything.

I hear myself saying things. It seems as if those words never passed through my brain. Were never analyzed for logic or sense. It’s the old “How should I know what I think before I hear what I say”. Quite often the words are only realized after they have been spoken, and then my mind sets out to try and figure out why I said them, what I meant by them, if they make any sense. Almost as if someone else had control over my speech, and I sort of play catch-up with this … whatever.

Funny how well I understand certain behavioral patterns, already. I guess you where a bit surprised when I asked “How many” instead of “Have you” well, at least you sounded surprised. I’ve said what I had (= needed) to say, and … I’ll try to not comment (too much) on certain subjects anymore. I’m sure I won’t always be successful, but: “I’m sorry I can’t be perfect”.
I really hadn’t expected that … Thanks! It really … saved the day to hear you again. It was a long conversation, and I think it was great. Hope you’ll get enough sleep.

I surely hope you are … coping. I know you have some rather intense and massive stressors in your life right now. Your sis, your family, your boyfriend, school. I hope you know … that I’ll be there, if there’s anything at all I can do. But … I can’t read minds. I know we don’t talk that often, but you know how you can reach me 24/7. I think you know me well enough to know that I mean it, when I say 24/7, right? ^^ And hey … you still owe me to watch “Call me old fashioned … ” ^^

Thanks for your message, but I’m somewhat worried by your general attitude. I won’t be following you to another community. Thanks for telling me, that you’ll be leaving this one, though. You are right, we don’t talk nearly enough. We gotta change that. Hang in there, big one, k?

Thanks for your call. It didn’t quite come at the best moment, but it made me happy. You are right, maybe we should do something about VOTF, I dunno. Don’t get me wrong, but I sort of would prefer any decisions along those lines to be someone else’s.² And you are also right when you say we collectively don’t talk enough. Be it online, offline or on the phone.

I’ve read a lot of curious and interesting things lately, and … some of them will likely result in a blog entry. Not sure yet if I should just bunch them all into one humongous (and diverse and confusing) entry, or split them up. What’s your thought’s on that, dear readers?

My bloody hand is still hurting. I’m still not sure whether I should consult a doc…

I’m gonna wrap this up now. Do my proof-reading, and then pre-date this entry.
Wish you all a good night, and take care.

HMTHMTHMFATTIDDFY

P.S.: I fucking want a cig!