I am aware of the fact that crying is some sort of a taboo subject, in most situations. But I myself was raised in a manner that lets me cry, even though I’m male. I never understood the inhibitions involved with men and crying.

My major problem at the moment is, that I can’t cry. I want it, I need it, but it simply won’t happen. Yeah, sure, every so often tears well up, but that lasts … 30 seconds, tops. That is not crying. I am quite aware that I really need to have a good cry, but I simply can’t. I guess that’s got something to do with the fact that I can either do it all alone, or be … ignored/pitied/condescended for doing so.

I guess what I need in addition is … someone to actually care and/or comfort me. But there is no one to do that. I figure that it’ll break through eventually, but I don’t know when, and how much more I must “endure” till that happens.

I’ve been doing a serious amount of thinking over the weekend. Most of the thoughts I had seriously displease me. But that’s not exactly a surprise …

I have been affirmed in a decision I made a while back. Well, not exactly the decision, but rather the hoped-for outcome. I’ve been “scolded” for that this evening, but I still think that’s what’s gonna happen. Once again: I can’t see any of the potential circumstances happen which would keep me from doing it.

It has dawned on me that I should probably just forget about what you said you‘d wanna do before you head off to A, even though it originated as a desire of my own. I am pretty certain I know what would happen, and … it’d be bad.
But, even with this … “inspiration” … I still made plans¹ for how I/we might make it possible. I know it’d fulfill more than one item on my mental wishlist, but still … I reckon the price I‘d have to pay is more than I can bear.²
Just what I know about this weekend … makes me rather sure that I couldn’t deal with what’s very likely to come of it. It’s not only what happened this weekend³, but a few things that where said. I … guess I misinterpreted where I stand – once again. I think I’m just to bloody gullible for this world.

If one where to ask me what my primary emotion was this last week, my answer would be: “Worry”. Partially for myself, but more for others.

J, I am bloody disturbed by the fact that you never answered my last two questions. I guess I can answer one by myself, but I think you know I had to ask it! And … I hope you’ll answer both questions…

M, I’m not quite sure if your choice is a good one. You said this is new to you. I hope you will use the time to make sure you have made up your mind properly.

C, I am rather sure you are angry with me. I am sorry for raising that emotion in you, but I didn’t say anything false. I understand what you told me, and … the implications. I guess I am allowed to regret them?? I hope to … possibly change some of those implications, but my hopes of doing so are … extremely slim. I promised you a few things. I am aware that I have not kept these promises 100%, but I’m very close to 100%. I flat-out refuse to change my policy on that, even though I’d very much want to. Didn’t expect a second call, and I was proven right. But emotionally I am torn between two reasons why it didn’t happen…

S, thanks for contacting me today. I’m sorry if I left you (and others) in a lurch, but … it’s simply annoying to log in to that game. I surely hope we’ll (physically) meet again soon. Not exactly sure how many of the MS-Crowd would enjoy that, but I hope it’ll happen, and anyone who’s interested will join!
What’s your plans for your Bday anyway?

Baby, I miss your closeness. You have moved very far away from me, and I don’t exactly know why. I hope this is not a permanent trend. I couldn’t deal with a temporary trend. I personally think Fate made us meet.

This entry covers a lot of ground. I’m hoping for some lively comments, here or otherwise.

I hope y’all take care and … are sleeping well.