I’m completely feed up with everything. Right now I’d be completely content to live out the remainder of my (hopefully short) life in my bedroom, watching DVDs and eating junk-food. I simply can’t get my self to care about anything really, anymore. Surprisingly I still care about people.

Saturday, when I awoke (around 14:00) I was extremely close to calling my dad or an ambulance to get me to a hospital. But I couldn’t even get myself to do that. I just lay here, groaning and suffering and hurting and … not caring, for many hours. I barely managed to get to the bathroom when I had to “re-think” the previous hours, somewhere in between.

I am bloody fed up with my primary emotions being abused, apathic, deceived, ignored, lied to, played, toyed with, unhappy, used. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I have two plans on how I might deal with all this, but right now I lack the willpower to make either one happen. Leave alone the physical strength I’d need.

I guess you’d never see it this way, but I see a very old friendship withering and dieing right before my eyes. I knew early on you’d be very set in your way, like you always are, when you make a decision. But I’d never have seen you burn bridges the way you do. Okay, you’re not prepared to deal with this anymore. I get the message. One thing you should have known, and must know, is that I’d take this personally. Well, I can already hear you complaining, but that’s not exactly my fault. It’s not your’s either, because it is my way of seeing some things. But it was your decision, so … you’ll have to deal with the consequences, same as me.

The prospect of work Monday and Tuesday, specifically the involved personell really bloody freaks me out. I simply don’t want to work that way. I don’t wanna break my hand for real this time. And I know he’ll get on my bloody nerves within minutes of being there.

I knew, I’d hate this weekend for a number of reasons, but this … this is worse than my worst fears. Even the positive prospects are turning into obscure emotional traps. Nothing is working out the way it was meant to. Not even close. In fact it’s turning out to be quite the opposite.

And right now … I plain refuse to go into the other things that bother me. I … don’t wanna pull myself even further down than I am right now.

Y’all take care and don’t mind me, okay?