It’s quite remarkable what sort of stuff you dream – or more accurately remember dreaming – when you force yourself to remain in bed and doze, even when you’ve already slept enough.

These last few days I’ve done this a number of times, and the results where … interesting. I’ve received long text messages, eMails, had long conversations and even went to dinner with celebrities. A slight problem with all this is that the lines between dream and reality get blurred, and I often had to check my mobile to make sure it was a dream, sometimes hoping against hope that it wasn’t. The recent silence of my mobile is really deafening.

Another confusing thing is coming across pieces of clothing you’ve not worn for some time, putting them on and discovering reddish-brownish smudges. Then remembering exactly what they are, and why the last wash didn’t get rid of them.

I can’t help myself but think … “Why not … again?”. As I blogged earlier … there is a certain urge returning. And it’s getting harder by the minute to resist. I used to be able to “fabricate” positive input to keep my mind off it, but that, too, is getting very hard. Especially in light of a number of developments in my life.

A number of my readers might be able to realize the meaning behind my recent play list. Most of those songs did in the past shed the connotation of being “GMM”, but recently it all surges back. Yes, I deliberately chose those tracks. I wanna see how I react, even though I know they hurt me. Maybe this sort of pain is better than the other sort. I dunno. Maybe this will lead to the other, we’ll see.

Tried to find the words that show I sympathise
words of comfort words that never critisize
Though I know you’re simply laughing at me
I just can’t stop and simply let it be

Where are all those feelings all my yesterdays
Feelings now I have bring back those bitter ways
Though I know you wanna turn and gloat
I just can’t stop and simply let you go

I feel I’m falling apart cause I know I’ve lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start no return
And things will never be the same

[...]

Let me see you smile once more that special way
warm as summer on a chilly winter’s day
Though I know you’re simply laughing at me
I just can’t stop and simply let it be

Another thing I realized lately is how easy it seems for people to turn on you. I guess I mis-judged a few people quite severely. I never thought any of them to be indifferent to the fact that they hurt me. I’ve mentioned that fact a few times, but apparently it’s of no consequence. Sure … once or twice can happen by accident, and I hold no grudges about that, but … more than that and a certain pattern emerges.

The other thing that underlines this is when I am blatantly lied to. There’s few things I despise more than being lied to. Especially when it’s rather obvious. Apparently a few people seem to think I’m some sort of idiot.

Once again I’m pretty sure I’ll catch heat for these last few comments, but then again … if you hurt me and/or lie to me, what gives you the right to complain when I state that? Please think about that.

Once again, no tags due to my recent decision.