You know what life is?
Joy and grief, hand in hand.
You can’t know real happiness until you’ve had true sorrow to contrast it with.
She hasn’t learned that yet.

Leave him alone, mother.
I already know, I’m gonna hate it, but I will now (=following this entry) watch the last episode of ER, I currently have. I know, I’ll very likely have tears in my eyes during the course of it, or at the end. I know it’s gonna be hurting me for hours, if not days to come. But I will do it nonetheless. I guess I’m a mas0¹ , that way.

Lately I’ve been tearing up a lot and rather frequently. Over minor things, really, mostly not even real (= DVD-Episodes). I know that I need a good and long cry, but I can’t really get it going. I have a very good idea why I can’t, and for what I’d be weeping. It’s weird, considering my current life-style, but I don’t want to be alone when I cry. I want someone, anyone, to hold and comfort me, while knowing that’s not really a possibility. Max ain’t really an option, allthough he’s there.

I’m writing this with … moist … eyes. Not enough to actually produce tears, but sufficient to cloud my vision. Good thing I can mostly type blind…

I had a few successes lately, but the big ones have been only virtual and only the small ones have been real. I’m actually surprised about the amount of … comfort and happiness I get out of these minuscule successes in the real world. But at the same time I know, that they aren’t sufficnet to give me enough positive input. I feel something approaching, and I don’t want that to happen, because I know the most likely outcome.

Lately I’ve often thought “Why keep up fighting? Why keep up my strength?” I can’t (seriously) help any of the people who are important to me, and I know that all … but one … won’t ever judge me badly for failing. Because they either understand me, or know the problem themselves. That one judgement would hurt me badly, but ultimately it would only strengthen the need. I honestly don’t want to go there, really. I have way to many … “visible signs” … already.

Additionally my life has taken a turn for the worse. Certain (probably) upcoming changes (which are mostly “unpublished”) will make it even worse. Yes, there are possible solutions to these problems, but I am quite sure I myself ( = alone) don’t have the strength to make them come about. I know what I’d need to (possibly) develope that strength, and I also know the unlikeliness of that happening. I can’t even be certain, that anything, or anyone, could turn my life around right now. That’s a rather sobering² thought…

It’s not even dark outside, and here I am, hoping for eternal darkness to surround me (Do they do that in Dolby Surround?). Quite pathetic, when you come to think about it. But I can’t really help, where my thoughts take me, can I?

I’m quite curious what sort of comments this will develop. And lemme be quite clear: Any joker who calls ceratin folks on me will get his or (more likely?) her ass kicked whenever we meet (next). Anyone, who claims to know me even a little knows that I’d not be stupid enough to write about that beforehand. Get me?

Y’all take care, have a good night, and we’ll talk … sometime.

We only part to meet again.