Mixed Thoughts
Kategorien: Mein Leben
Tags: CJ & FRA & JS & life & MS & thoughts
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There’s been a few things that have pocked their way to the front of my mind a lot lately. Some other’s are just observations that have a more “one-time” character. I wish to share some of them. 
While I was just going shopping I saw a middle-aged man and – presumably – his wife taking an elderly woman for a walk. Said woman required a walker, since she obviously wasn’t very good at walking on her own anymore. That – in itself – isn’t really remarkable, but there was a slight drizzle. And both of the middle-aged people had an umbrella with them. The elderly lady didn’t. Since she needed both hands to use the walker obviously she couldn’t hold an umbrella for herself. Now … I guess, most of my readers would think that one of the two (!) umbrellas would shield the elderly lady, but … nope. Is the world really becoming that inconsiderate? Considering that it’s likely that one of the two was a child of that lady?
Lately I’ve been thinking – and rather frequently also saying – the words “La Bamba” a lot. Am I that desperate, or is it the start of spring? I don’t know. Of course there still remains the ultimate “La Bamba”, at least to me. But I figure this is getting less and less likely by the second. I still owe you a few promises, but I don’t think you care much.
Which brings me to another observation. I am often astounded at the speed – and lack of remorse – with which people turn from benign into, if not exactly malevolent, but hurtful bordering on destructive. I know, I’ve made a similar transition myself (to my everlasting sorrow), but … it wasn’t this quick, when viewed from my point-of-view. I’ve simulated something far longer than I felt it. And this is something I am still obliged to explain f2f, and for which I will forever be in a quarrel with myself. I wish to think that I sent out ( unfortunately too?) subtle hints, but I could be wrong in that assumption.
I’ve been getting a very clear message for some days now, albeit a silent one, but … it hurts no less. Do you not have the cojones (which is biologically unlikely) to just come out and say it, or do you want to retain your toy, in case you might enjoy it again? You are mocking me, you are hurting me, and you continue to play with the emotions, such as they are. There is one thing you do not quite consider, though. I am not surprised by that fact. But ultimately it will turn against you! I guess you’ll just one day awaken and see it, when it’s too late. Y’know … that A…….a Nickname … I said it had multiple meanings. You were happy with the one I supplied you, but I have chosen it for another meaning. Maybe you researched it by now, I have now idea ( = silence), but … right now I hurt, but couldn’t care less.
I’m being fucked1 over from so many angles currently that I have serious difficulties distinguishing the non-fuckers from the fuckers. (Pardon my french) There are – of course – a very few which are beyond doubt, but it’s sorta like being in a thunderstorm, where you can catch glimpses of the sun every now and then, but 99% of the sky is made up of threats and worrisome things. It doesn’t particularly matter what I try to manage, because even if I succeed with A, I will be punished in B and C (and maybe D).
I desperately hope that none of my friends (close or not) suffer from my inability. If you feel mistreated, I beg you to speak up.
It remains rather curious to me, how “loud” ( = read: Clearly) some people scream their thoughts ( = read: emotions/intentions/wishes) without even giving it a second thought, by giving out certain information. This is the one thing which will likely puzzle me forever: When acts contradict behaviour. I tend to lean towards the spoken word, but in it’s absence I should (sensibly) – and mostly do – fall back on behaviour. Quite frequently those two contradict each other. The way I am, I weigh them equally, which creates a very great deal of confusion within me. Ultimately it keeps me from striking an objective balance between the two, which throws me off track.
Returning to myself, this has a completely different effect: It hurts me.
Good night all. This has been the last edit of this post.
- This will produce like a billion g..gle hits per second
[↩]
Is this part meant to address ME?
I am surprised about how you think of me – and believe me, it hurts me, too.
As you know, my Abitur is just over and I currently have a lot of things going on in my life – most of them are negative, though some are “just” stressy and require a lot of time.
I’m just wondering why you don’t contact me if you obviously miss me – I just don’t get it.
It’s not like I avoid talking to you, but every time I was about to, you were – at least acoording to your status – asleep and/or pissed off.
Of course I could have sent you offline messages, but I fear/know that we’ve still got a lot to sort out (which shouldn’t happen this way).
You always told me I keep on contradicting myself – now you are the one who contradicts himself:
If you “couldn’t care less” – how come your status says something else?
How come you “waste” your time writing a blog bout me? – I don’t get it, and somehow I feel I never will.
Anyways…
that’s all I have to say for now, you know how to contact me, in case you want to.
If you don’t, then don’t.
I’ve got a new myspace page, too, in case you’re interested.
Fuck – did you get the comment I just send? I forgot to type my name in and I fear it’s lost now.. >.<
Somehow I feel it’s not meant to be – I just sent you two comments, but none of them were shown, so I guess you didn’t get them.. I will try it once more now, hopefully I still remember all the stuff I wanted to say/write:
Is this part meant to address ME?
I am surprised of how you think about/of me – and believe me, it hurts, too.
As you know, my Abitur is just over (well, nearly at least) and there were and still are a lot of things going on in my life, most of them are negative and/or require a lot of time.
About the nickname: No, I didn’t google it, and to be honest, I wasn’t “happy” with the meaning you supplied me with – it could’ve meant slut or whatever and I would’ve accepted it since people have all sorts of opinions bout me which is normal I guess, so I’m used to misjudgements.
You always told me I keep contracting myself – now you are the one who contradicts himself:
If you really “couldn’t care less”, how come your status says something else?
How come you “waste” your time writing a blog about me?
How come you wait for me to contact YOU and don’t act yourself?
How come you remain inactive/passive if you really care?
Anyways… That’s all I have to say for now, you know how to contact me if you want to.
If you don’t, then don’t.
I forgot a part I posted before:
It’s not like I wasn’t about to contact YOU, but – according to your status at least – you were asleep and/or pissed off.
Of course I could’ve sent you offline messages, but I fear/know that we still have quite a lot to sort out and I don’t want that to happen via offline messages, you might understand why.