I think, today is the first time ever I awoke with tears in my eyes. Very unsettling feeling. I had a dream, that cut straight into my heart and made me want to hurt myself, a lot. But I managed to keep myself from doing it, for now. Can’t even talk it over, really, because the reaction would just get me more of this helpless feeling I have right now. I feel bloody useless, and helpless, and hate both feelings.

Then factor in the anger of having to constantly appear to not be bothered by rather sinister and unfounded statements about my person.

Problem is, that I have two ways of dealing with this, and both carry identically unsatisfactory results. I can speak up, and say that it’s unfair and unfounded, only to be told to STFU, because of the person I’m defending myself against. Or I can keep my trap shut and just die bit by bit internally.

I’ve tried so often to raise the subject, and the reaction has always been the same. Now I’ve been compared to one of the more ruthless people I know, and been deemed to be the destructive factor. This time I’ve deliberately not commented on the subject, but retreated.

I can’t take it anymore. I am hurt, and I get hurt, and mentioning it only makes it worse due to the fact of who I have to contradict. Stating this will most likely again trigger criticism towards me. But I guess, now it’s on the record, how I feel, without anyone having the chance to directly say something against or about it.

I’m hoping, it might trigger a thought process, and a re-evaluation of previous reactions and statements. But I’m not overly hopeful.