At this Moment, there are about four really big things going on in my life. All of them have pros and cons. Some more pros, others more cons. But the major point is: None of them have no cons. I guess it’s kinda childish to wish for something that has no con, but still. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope for something thats only positive, every once in a while.

I am one of the people who remind others who “lift off” about the fact that most things have a con attached. I practice calculated pessimism¹ which basically defines me as the person who downplays anything positive. But still: It pisses me off, hugely.

I am on the verge of getting into a fight with someone I truly hold very dear, who is important to me, who’s opinion I value. Why is that so? Because I am putting this person on the spot in a situation of which I am very well aware that it’s impossible for said person to “be on my side”. Not for lack of trying, but simply because there are two position, which are equally “off-center” (mine and the “opposing” one) and this person has the spine to point that out to me. I’m thinking that if only I could better voice my thoughts and feelings this person would have to see that my point is (more) valid. At the same time I am sometimes aware of the fact that my point actually is off-center.

Additionally I have to deal with the fact that most people at work simply do not listen to reason. They put themselves, and others, into a situation which is bad, but could easily be averted. To some extent this may have to do with the fact that I tend to be the person who points out flaws in decisions. I don’t do so in a way that points fingers, but rather points out the – undesirable – consequences. By this I mean that – objectively – none of the people involved can want those consequences to happen. Being wired the way I am I plain can’t understand how a person can accept these consequences in the knowledge that they will be undesirable and easily avertable. True, maybe someone didn’t think something completely through. Thats all fine and dandy. But once something like this has been pointed out, shouldn’t it be in everyones best interest to avert those problems?

I’m getting to the point of thinking that I am simply not cut out to live in the social structures into which I was born, raised and after that voluntarily moved into. One argument today, and something else that has been happening, basically drove home the point, that maybe a certain mode of living – which I practiced earlier in my life – is more sensible. Even though it will ultimately prove to be self-destructive.

I have – at all times – been someone onto who others felt they could rely. To be there, and receive their emotional baggage. I have taken this role with great pride and much commitment. I think there are way to few people out there, who are equipped to do this. Having been gifted with this capability also bestows a certain responsibility (in my mind). I won’t ever hold any other person to this responsibility, but myself.

What happened today … showed me, that I made a mistake roughly 20 years ago. Before then, I internalized everything. I did what I was told, I didn’t complain, I … served. Whatever bad feelings I developed, I bottled up inside. “Coincidentally” thats the time I started hurting myself. I went through a very emotionally painful therapy to get rid of this². Before I was even allowed to vote. That appears to have been a mistake. My therapist told me – on many occasions – that she was absolutely baffled how I managed to survive puberty. Well, I did. Not sure if that had been fate’s plan, but there you go.

I have since spent about 18 years living in this “new form”. I have made some very dear friends. I have loved. I have lost. I have suffered. I have bled. I have observed. I have learned. And after all this time I’ve reached the conclusion that this new form is no longer³ compatible with the world I live in. Or the social structure I live in. Or the economic structure I live in.

Today it clicked, and I will make a serious attempt to revert back to how I behaved for those two years in my teens. Another Therapy won’t help me, because it will only attempt to “better adjust” me to the world as it is. If I where to find a therapist who’d help me achieve my goals, this person would be dubious, simply by willing to help me achieve that. If I succeed, I will be a lot quieter than what my acquaintances and friends are used to. I’ll still be a good listener, and advisor (on the occasions where the poeple actually want advice and/or ideas). And my heart will bleed, every day.

I simply don’t have the strength anymore to fight what – basically – amounts to most of the world out there. If I try to remain as I am, I will physically bleed and emotionally bleed, and eventually exsanguinate. First emotionally, and then eventually physically. If I revert to how I was there’s other drawbacks, but maybe this will keep me from physically exsanguinating. Maybe there really is another option out there, of which I am not yet aware, but I doubt it. I can’t change the basic structure of who I am. I can work on ticks, behavior, language, but not my core inner self.

It hurt me to have to reach this conclusion. It will change how the vast majority of friends I have met perceive me. I thought about a lot of possible alternatives, but ultimately this was the only one that remained. I am quite curious to see how difficult it will be for me. If I even manage to achieve it. How my surroundings will react. So, I guess, there is something positive to this change after all. It will be an interesting journey, painful and hard, but interesting. I actually am curious to see if I reach where I want to go, and when. Or if I’ll fail, and become a victim of my attempts to get better. Or … whatever will happen.

Please take care of yourselves, you are all valuable!